MELBOURNE HIGH SCHOOL OLD BOYS' ASSOCIATION DINNER
IN HONOUR OF RETIRING HEADMASTER, I. M. WOODFULL
HELD IN MELBOURNE ON 21ST MAY -1962
Speech by the Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon, R. G. Menzies
Mr. Chairman, My Lord Bishop and gentlemen: ( Or perhaps I should
have said Lindsay Hassett and gentlemen) ( Laughter)
Look, if I don't speak up half your lucki ( Laughter)
Sir, with very great respect to you I don't think I
very much approve of being described in this honorific fashion
as a " Guest Speaker" because, really, this is not my night.
This is Bill Woodfull's night, Heaven be praised. ( Applause).
I don't mind telling you that the only reason I had an invitation
to come here to propose Bill's health was that they thought it
was very desirable that I should do it while I was Prime Minister.
( Laughter, applause). So, although I am setting out into what
you * ght call foreign parts in about three days' time, I said
" I must be there".
But my real job tonight is to say something about
Woodfull and if I stray a little, and to references to anybody
else, you will understand that these are mere decorations on the
true motive of my speech, which is William Maldon Woodfullo
Now you see at once I strike a note in your minds: Why
is he christened William Maldon Woodfull? The answer is quite
simple-Because he was born in Maldon, ( Laughter) And when I
was coming here tonight I thought how lucky that my parents
didn't christen me " Robert Jeparit Menzies'K. ( Laughter, applause)
Now your very distinguished guest tonight, William Maldon
Woodfull, has been a very versatile person. I am sure that quite
a lot of people seeing him only on the cricket ground, and then,
as a rule, for inordinate periods of time, little thought that
he was a teacher of mathematics, the most depressing occupation
I would have thought ( Laughter) that beset any man. And he
taught mathematics, either so well or so badly, one never knows
about these things, that they decided to make him a Headmaster,
( Laughter) And for a time he coruscated in my electorate.
I'm not going to embarrass him by suggesting that he voted for
me, or any of those rather eccentric things ( Laughter) but he
was there. Then he succeeded., in this vury famous School, two
very famous Hoadmastors, Ramsay, Langley, Woodfull This is a
wonderful trio to contemplate isn't it? ( Applausel And it is
worth contemplating them, because, though we never feel like
admitting it when we are at school, headmasters are tremendously
important. I'm surprised and perhaps some of you who are as
venerable as I am and who have got the years of wisdom may agree
I'm always astonished to find how a Headmaster I didn't like
very much became a legendary figure years after. ( Laughter)
You find yourself in the company of old boys and you look back
years, 40 years, or whatever it may be and you say, " By Jove
the old man was wonderful wasn't he?" At the time you didn't
say that. ( Laughter) B'It the truth is, of course, that a great
Headmaster will do more to make a great school that any other
single factor, He will do more than bricks or mortar, or a
benevolent department, or a kind and charitable Government.
( Laughter) When I looked around tonight and I saw the relatively
high percentage of dinner jackets I thought that this talk about
depression might have been over-estimated. ( Laughter) But
anyhow I hope you will agree with rae on this I'm sure you will
that a notable Headmaster helps to make, and indeed in some ways
makes, a notable school.. And in the case of this school you
have had a remarkable succession of people of mnsequence, of
substance, of personal authority and of personal example. And
they have all helped to make you come along and sing that inspiring
song which you sang a little earlier, and feel proud of the school
through which you passed. Therefore, here's William Maldon
Woodfull, a Headmaster, and, I venture to say, a great Headmaster.
If I make a glancing reference to his immediate predecessor,
George Langley, I hope you will understand me because this
man, Langley, between you and me I wouldntt wish it to go any
further ( Laughter) served me a very ill turn once. He was
nominally in charge of a school at Jarrnambool ( Laughter) and he
had enough spare time to take a little interest in politics,
fortunately, as I thought at the time, on my side. I went down
to Warrnambool to make a speech it was in a State Election:
this was when I occupied a really dignified position and was a
State politician ( Laughter) and there was a big meeting at the
Warrnambool Town Hall. I was down there, allegedly, to support
the candidature of the late J. G. Fairbairn, serum et venerabile
nomen, and George Langley met me. He looked very busy. He
sounded very busy. And he said to me " A wonderful meeting
tonightl It will be packed and all the other side are going to
be here and you'll have a lively meeting." Well I've never had
any feeling of reluctance about a lively meeting ( Laughter) and so
I said, " Thank you very much, George. This sounds most promising,"
I went to the Warrnambool Town Hall. It was full,
there's no doubt about that, and I spoke, there's no doubt about
that ( Laughter) and there was an unbroken silence right through
the Hall. I thought " This is no goodø What about this fellow
Langley who promised me a bit of life in this meeting?" So I
then resorted to all I hope you won't use this against me
all the tricks of the trade to stir them up. I thought I must
get some hostility in this meeting. No. It was just like going
out and making a speech on a Thursday afternoon in the Kew Cemetery.
( Laughter). Well, of course, they had decided that that didn't
pay off, so they were silent. But I think that it set George
Langley back, in my mind, for a long time. But I recovered-as
I have now recovered long enough to realise that George Langley
is one of the great enthusiasts in education in Australia and
Victoria, and a great master of your own school. ( Applause).
p Now they tell me that Bi. 7L Woodfull is retiring by
effluxion of time the retiring age in August. You know there
is no retiring age to Prime Ministers. ( Laughter) In August
I will have been, man and boy at one time or another, Prime
Minister of Australia for fifteen years ( Applause) and this old
friend of mine will retire and sit under his own vine and fig tree
while I'm still being chased up and down the entire country. It
isn't right. ( Laughter) I wish some of you chaps who write those
silly letters to the newspapers would start a campaign for the
compulsory retirement of Prime Ministers at the age of ( Laughter)
with a provision for retrospective double pay ( Laughter) if
their retirement has to be dated back from 67 to 65 ( Laughter).
But Bill all this is good fun and games. I just want
to say to you an Im saying it not only for myself but for
everybody here tonight and, indeed, for hundreds of thousands of
people in Australia that you are being honoured at this dinner
tonight because of your character, clear marvellous character so
well known to everybody whoever has anything to do with you, your
immense skill your great wisdom and, above all, your warm, simple
humanity. ( Applause) * o 0. / 3
Now, gentlemen, if I had as much sense as I had fifteen
years ago,, I would pause and stop at that point because that
is really what I wanted to say about Bill Woodfull. But my
attention was drawn to the fact that a certain number of his
contemporaries in the cricketing world have been dredged up
( Laughter) and placed here tonight Fieetwood-Smith has been
smoking the biggest bent-stem pipe I've ever seen in my life;,
Vic,, Richardson smoking one of my cigars. ( Laughter) Therefore,
perhaps, I ought just to say a word about that aspect of your
life. This is a little mixed up with politics. You young
fellows don't realise how far old fellows like myself go back
in the political scene. I can remember a time when, in the
Victorian Parliament, I was asked w~ iether I would go up and make
a powerful speech somewhere in the Goulburn Valley, And that
was at a time when there was a Test Mlatch on. (" Laughter) Oh,
not here, otherwise I wouldn't have been in the Goulburn Valley,
but in England somewhere. And my host on this occasion was a
keen cricket lover. We went down to the local hall, we had
all the local citizenry there, and in a little anteroom my friend,
the chairman who was a solicitor, had installed his clerk to
listen in to the broadcast and to send in progress reports.
Well, before we got a chanco of having one progress report, I
had only uttered the first four or five sentences when the
local firebell went. You know what happens in a little country
town when the fire bell rings:. everybody leaves at once hoping
that it's the neighbour's house that is being burnt down.
( Laughter) And the hall completely emptied. They just disappeared,
And I said to the Chairman " Do you think they will come back?"
And he said, " Oh yes, they'll come back; I've arranged to have
the cricket scores." ( Laughter) So they camne back. Well we
got going. At the end of about a quarter of an hour, I was just
warming up to point one you know, this powerful unanswarable
argument, this was it, 1his was to demolish the 6pposition.
( Ilve forgotten whether there was one ( Laughter) ( Applause)
Anyhow this was going to demolish the opposition. When in
ca~ me my chairman who ha-: d "' nicked out", as we say, held up a
hand like a traffic cop signal, you know, and said " Excuse
me," 1 I was half way through a sentence. This happened four
times% I almost applied for a job as a member of the Indeterminate
Sentences Board. ( Laughter) ( Applause) " Excuse me,"
he said, " laa~ ies and gentlemen-, Australia won the toss,
Australia batting, Woodfull 15 not out, Ponsford, naturally,
not out". ( Laughter) W4ell this cheered me up immensely,
because of course I knew that Bill must have had a couple of'
" no balls" delivered to him,, ( Laughter) Then we went on for
another fifteen minutes, and there was another interruption,
right in the middle of a sentence, and this time it was " Ponsford
27 not out, Woodfull 25 not out". This was a bit awkward.
Anyhow when we got along to a stage when this Bill was leading
that Bill by 1 the strain was too greats we declared the meeting
closed somebody carried a unanimous voie of' confidence in me
( Laughler) and we went back to my host's house,
In those days, you had to catch a very early train from
this place to get back to Melbourne and I said to this wretched
fellow, " Have you any teetotal drink that I might apply myself'
to?" ( Laughter) And with some difficulty he said " No" ( Laughter)
( Applause) So then I said " Well I must break my principles"
( Laughter) and he said " Yes". And we sat there for the rest
of' the night loosening the laces in our shoes and we heard the
whole thing through. I don't think, as a matter of fact, either
of them got out that night. I was only surprised next morning to
have sombody say to me " Extraordinary thing, you know, in
England, they play cricket in the dark",, ( Laughter) Anyhow
most of that story is quite true. ( Laughter)
I wouldn't like to say too much about some of these
other characters who are here tonight, I wouldn't. Oh, yes,
I must say, yes. Would you forgive me? I am delighted to
find tonight my old friend Mr. Ironmonger, for some obscure
reason called " Dainty". o you know that when Larwood was
bowling at his fiercest on the Melbourne Cricket Ground, Ironmonger,
alrays under-rated as a batsman.. delivered a clout at
one ball which went to the boundary so fast that the eye could
hardly follow it. And it was only about eight years ago that
I looked over the Committee Box at the Melbourne Ground where
I go occasionally by courtesy of Ian Johnson ( Laughter) and down
below I saw Dainty Ironmonger I won't say in conversation with
Jack Ellis listening to Jack Ellis ( Laughter) so I went down
at once. I thought " This is a splendid gathering. I must
be in this". And I said to Bert Ironmonger " Ive always wanted
to ask you: you remember that superb four that you hit off
Larwood?" He said " I'll never forget it, neve? forget it".
" Tell me am I right in thinking that your eyes were shut at the
moment of impact?" ( Laughter) To which he made the classical
Australian reply " Too right". ( Applause) It is a wonderful
thing to see him here tonight, Somebody told me how old he was
and I don't believe it, All I know is that he was a great
cricketer' and the greatest bowler never to have a visit to
Great Britain. ( Applause)
Oh, I mustn't take up too much time. But, oh yes,
Hassett. Do you know about this fellow Hassett? I've been
pretty friendly with this fellow Hassett. He has been a guest
in my house in Canberra several times and by and large he has
behaved very well ( Laughter) His hours have not always been
of the most appropriate, but they have always been regular.
( Laughter) The other day he went up, keeping an eye on the
business, I suppose, to Canberra to the golf tournament and with
my usual courtesy and generosity I spoke to him on the telephone
in fact I think he rang me up ( Laughter) and I said, " Lindsay,
come round and have a drink before lunch." You know we always
keep a bit of Coca-Cola in the refrigerator. And he said
you dontt mind Lindsay if I quote this, it desorves to be
immortal he said ' Look Itm terribly sorry Sir' he always
calls me OSirl in public ( Laughter) ' but 11m woman-bound'.
I said? " Heaven help me, what does that mean?" ' Well'. he
said, 1' Ive got six women with met, Some of them turned out
to be children. So I said " Bring them all old boy" ( Laughter)
You know it's a wonderful thing, if you get even a modest
entertainment allowance, it's wonderful how generous you can
be. ( Laughter) So I said " bring them round". And he brought
themaround. There were eight of them if remember correctly.
It was very good. All I know is we had lunch three quarters of
an hour late that day. Ian Johnson7
Look, I could go through all these people. I see them.
Vic. Richardson, fielding at silly mid-on. Fabulousl These
men have given me the most tremendous pleasure in the world;
and they have given it to you too. ( Applause). The only
remarkable thing is that if you happen to be a fanatic about
cricket, as I am, you are occasionally a little put out by the
non-cricketing onlooker, with a serious mind, These people
oughtn't to be allowed to go to a cricket match. It ought
to be confined to the Houses of Parliament. ( Laughter) I
have a match each time there's a visiting team and Lindsay Hassett,
on the last occasion, when the M. C. C. were here was, having
received my hospitality and generosity, you know at the Lodge,
and all that kind of thing, he was fielding a little ahead of
square leg and fairly short and Colin Cowdrey was batting and
Colin had made enough runs Laughter) that's a remarkable
fact he had made enough runs and so he decided to go out so
he cocked one up about ten yards past Lindsay and Lindsay felt
S.
that this was carrying friendship * boo far so he lot it fall on
to the ground and somebody else fielded it and then the next
time Colin, not to be outdone in generosity, hit it very high
and very short, Lindsay stepped across to the square leg umpire,
took his white hat off, caught the ball. in his white hat over
his shoulder, then appeared to tear the hat to pieces and throw
it on -the ground and walked off. And cne of these humourists
you encounter at a cricket match sitting next to me said, " But
Mr,, Prime Minister, that's not out, that's against the rules of
cricket." ( Laughter)
Well, of course, you could get me going forever on
this because I happen to be one of those fellows who have, believe
it or not, a lot of very heavy, serious and responsible matters
to attend to in my own life ana to me cricket, and the cricketers
have been the great joy of life.
And that brings me back to this great captain of
Australia, ( Applause) Most people in the course of their
lives manage to make some enemies, manage to have some knowledgeable
critics, manage one way or another to be involved in what
they are pleased to call I believe, " incidents". I venture
to say there is no captain of Australia, no captain of Australia
ever went out of the game leaving behind him a more untouched
reputation a greater affection, a greater respect than Wtilliami
Maldon Woos full. ( Applause)
Sir, having bored everybody stiff, may I now have
the privilege of proposing his toast. Bill Woodfull, Headmaster,
scholar, cricketer and friend.